Um. This isn't real. please tell me that

So the other night I was going to get a drink of water from my kitchen, having been in bed, it took about 20 minutes to get there as my apartment is palatial. Well upon finally reaching my destination I found this little guy stuck in the sink.

Oh  my  gosh, oh my gosh, ohmy gosh,ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh.

By little I mean HOLYCRAPOHDEARLORDWHYISTHATSOHUGEANDINMYAPARTMENT! 

I didn't know spiders that answered to the name jaws and are larger than most serving spoons lived here. And by here I mean Europe, France and Paris, major metropolitan areas with millions of people living in them. Apparently or so the internet says, it is completely harmless, but why did no one mention that these things are around. Please no more, thank you very much.  This thing which should actually be spelled THING as I could see all eight eyes blink at me one at a time, is called Tegenaria atrica which are "quite normal in Northern Europe. I don't care how normal these are, get rid of it. I was lucky enough to find something to capture it and threw it out of the window. I hope it doesn't have the brains to remember where it came from, and maybe if it did then I want it to remember that I didn't kill it. "Make some one a bird, that flies far far here, to come and eat it, and then away"

I don't like birds either.